Holding You Together
by criminalxxxmindsxxxfreak
Summary: When Dean called Spencer to tell him Sam was in a mental ward, Spencer wasn't sure what he would find when he showed up, but he knew one thing: he wasn't about to let Sam break to pieces. Takes place in 7x17 "The Born-Again Identity". Reid visits Sam in the hospital and promises to never let him go. Light Sam/Reid slash - nothing explicit. Oneshot.


**Title: **Holding You Together (Hanging On By a Thread)

**Rating: **T

**Warning: **Slash (male/male relationship) – nothing explicit; minor language; tag for Supernatural 7x17 "The Born-Again Identity".

**A/N: **So, I was just thinking about Sam's stint in the mental ward after the car accident and about Reid and his mother and his fear of schizophrenia. Which led to me thinking how interesting it would be if Sam and Reid knew each other and Reid was there to talk to Sam during that time.

So, established Sam/Reid relationship. Again, nothing explicitly mentioned here. This is set in episode 7x17 of Supernatural and somewhere in season 7 of CM as well – I'll say roughly the same time frame. During this, Dean is with Emmanuel/Castiel, on his way to the hospital again and Reid drops in on Sam for a visit.

Anyway, enjoy (hopefully) and please review!

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"_I lie on the floor, washed by nothing and hanging on. I cry at night. I am afraid of hearing voices, or a voice. I have come to the edge, of the land. I could get pushed over."  
_**~Margaret Atwood, ****Cat's Eye**

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You know those lies you sometimes find yourself telling the people you love? The "it'll be okay"s and the "I'm fine"s that slip so effortlessly past your lips even though it'll never be okay and you're far from fine? And the worst part is, you both know it, but you play into the fantasy anyway. You both allow yourself to pretend that it isn't a lie, but you know it is and it's just a matter of time before reality comes rushing in and rips the carefully built wall of lies to shreds?

Sam Winchester had been telling those lies for months. To Dean, to Bobby to everyone who ever asked him that horrible question, "How are you doing?" And most especially, to Spencer Reid.

None of them really believed Sam was "dealing"; none of them really believed that it was going to be okay. This was the Winchesters, after all, and since when did anything work in their favor?

Still, even knowing that Sam's reality, his sanity, was crumbling in around him, Spencer tried to have hope, tried to believe the lies and assurances that everything was going to be alright and they were going to fix things.

But he really wasn't all that surprised when he got the call from Dean telling him that Sam was under observation in a mental ward after a car accident. Honestly, he'd expected to get the call sooner. The fact that it had finally come only meant that Spencer would have a new delusion to slip into. A delusion where this was fixable.

He debated about going to see Sam for hours after the call, but he was terrified of what he would find. He hadn't spoken to Sam in a couple of weeks. What if the Sam Winchester he knew was already too far gone to even know who he was? He'd dealt with that with his mother; he didn't want to deal with it with Sam too.

In the end, though, it was his mother that decided things. He'd avoided visiting his mother for years and he couldn't see himself making that same selfish, cowardly mistake again. Not to Sam. So he took off work and got on the earliest flight he could and that was how he found himself standing in the mental ward of a small hospital, talking with a psychiatric doctor, his nerves on edge.

"How is he?"

The doctor hesitated and glanced toward the door, the small window that looked into the room Sam was currently locked in. Spencer had yet to glance inside, terrified of what he might see.

"Physically, he's healing well," he answered, "At least from the accident. But he still hasn't slept and his delusions appear to be getting stronger and more persistent."

Spencer had to fight the urge to scream and nodded patiently. Of course, Sam's "delusions" weren't exactly every day, run-of-the-mill delusions so it was no surprise to him when the doctor said that sedatives weren't working.

"How long have you known Sam?" the doctor asked quietly.

"Ten years," Reid answered quickly, "We met when he was in college…"

"His brother wasn't very clear," the doctor said, "About his condition. Do you know about when the hallucinations started?"

Reid almost flinched back from the question, so many memories of talks with his mother's doctors ringing in the back of his mind.

"The hallucinations are… fairly recent," he explained, "There was… an accident, about a year ago. Maybe, eight or nine months. And ever since then…"

"I see," he nodded, "And it's been manageable, until now?"

Spencer took a deep breath, "He's been dealing with it. Lucifer not letting him sleep is new."

"So the voice is Lucifer?"

Spencer blinked and swallowed again, "It's not like… he doesn't tell Sam to do anything, it's not Satan whispering bad thoughts in his mind –"

"No, of course, not," the doctor nodded, "I just meant that… this means the voice has an identity. That's important. Do you have any idea _why _Sam is hallucinating about Satan?"

"No," Spencer's voice was tight and abrupt, "Can I see him now?"

He gave him a sad, sympathetic sort of smile and nodded gently, leaving Spencer alone in the hall as he gathered up the courage to push open the door and enter the room.

Sam looked up instinctively when Spencer entered the room and sat up immediately, eyes wide.

"Spence," his voice was ragged and tired and he looked awful. "Didn't expect you to come."

Spencer smiled as much as he could force himself to and sat down in the empty metal chair, watching Sam's face and sighing sadly.

"You should've told me it was getting worse," he said.

Sam looked away and shook his head, "It's not like it would've changed anything," he said, "This isn't just going to go away and you can't do anything to stop it."

He flinched and his fists clenched tightly and Spencer pressed his lips together.

"He's here now isn't he?"

Sam only nodded and Spencer sighed, "What's he saying?"

"Right now? Nothing," Sam shrugged, "He's… he's throwing darts… at your head."

Spencer blinked and frowned, "Right. Where's Dean?"

Sam shrugged, "Trying to find help, I guess. I told him to just leave it. Death warned us what would happen when the wall was broken. I'm amazed I lasted this long. It was inevitable,"

"You've held on this long," Spencer insisted, leaning closer to the bed, gripping Sam's hand and meeting his eyes. "You can't honestly say you want to give up now."

"The only person who could help me, is dead," Sam said, "I'm not letting Dean make another deal or find some 'faith healer' to make things worse. We all know where that leads."

Spencer sighed and shook his head, "Is there any particular reason you're so stubbornly self-sacrificing?"

"What?"

"You, your brother, your dad. I've never met people so stubbornly wallow in their own self-hatred like your family,"

Sam actually managed a small smile at that, but shook his head. "It's not self-hatred, but trust me; I've got plenty of reasons to hate myself. Not exactly been a model… anything for the past couple of years, have I?"

"You had good intentions –"

"Good intentions lead to Hell," Sam said, "Proved that, didn't I?"

Spencer frowned, "Well you've been to Hell," he said, "You've made your atonement so there's no reason for Hell to follow you around up here."

Sam smirked a dry, humorless smirk. "I think Satan disagrees with you,"

Spencer's face settled into an angry, annoyed mask and he shook his head. "Lucifer can go screw himself," he said. "I'm not letting him take you from me again."

Sam smiled an actual smile this time, "I… can't even believe you just said that, Spence. You've been spending too much time with Morgan."

"I've been spending too much time with you," Spencer smiled back and sighed heavily.

"Dean will fix this," he said seriously, "And if he doesn't, I will. I'm not about to let you fall apart, Sam Winchester. I've lost you too many times to let you go again."

"I've already fallen apart, Spencer," Sam said, "Look at me. I haven't slept in… I forgot how long and I'm hearing the Devil screaming in my head every second of the day. Bastard just won't shut up. I look like crap, I feel even worse and there's not a pill, not a cure, not anything that can fix me. I'm done,"

"Don't say that," Spencer's voice hitched and Sam felt a pang of guilt when he saw faint tears glittering there.

"If there's one thing I've learned from you and Dean," he said, "It's that giving up is never an option. I'm not giving up on you, Sam. There's a way to fix this, somewhere. I know there is and I'll hold you together until I find it if I have to."

Sam just smiled a sad smile and shook his head, "Might wanna look fast, Spence. I don't think I've got much time left."

Spencer eyed Sam sadly and hated to agree. The younger Winchester did in fact look like death warmed over. Spencer could sit there and spout every horrible effect not sleeping had on the human body, and they were all running through his mind at the moment, but he shut them out because he had more important things to worry about.

"We'll fix you," he said, repeating the mantra in his head, over and over. Another lie that they both wanted so desperately to accept as the truth.

Sam just smiled and squeezed Spencer's hand in his. He was nearly ready to resign himself to this fate anyway, but the reassuring weight of Spencer's hand made him want to fight back again. He kept his eyes on Spencer, but he could still see Lucifer out of the corner of his eyes, perching on the desk with that taunting, knowing smirk on his face.

He fought the urge to flinch back at Lucifer's words and pushed them away as they whispered through his mind.

_"You know he's wrong, Sammy. He can't fix you, Dean can't fix you. No one can fix you. I'm not going anywhere, Bunk Buddy. You and me, we're joined at the hip. You're whack-a-do crazy and Spencer knows it. He'll leave you once he realizes there's no hope. But look on the bright side, at least you've got me!"_

Sam flinched as another dart pierced into Spencer's head and ignored the blood he knew wasn't actually running down his face. If Dean and Spencer said they could fix him, then maybe he still had a little bit of fight left in him. Maybe.

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**Fin**

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**A/N: **So it's a tad bit AU, all things considered, but still. Hope you guys enjoyed it! Please review and let me know! Opinions are much loved!


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